wanderlust

months of working 2 jobs, saving every penny, selling my car, and giving away most of my clothes/shoes, i am finally here! i have been counting down for months, searching hostels, researching visa requirements, and getting prepared for an adventure of a life time.

6 months ago if you would have asked me where i would be i would have most likely shrugged my shoulders and have no idea what so ever. but now i am sitting in the chicago ohare airport counting down just hours till my flight to copenhagen, then to madrid.

my trip is beginning in madrid,

and the itinerary as of right now is:

spain--morocco--italy--england--ireland--france--austria--czech--germany--netherlands--turkey--india--thailand--indonesia--and my final destination being australia!

i will be in europe till the first week of january, then asia till mid february.

the only items i am traveling with are my laptop, canon camera, and a few clothing items.

i will be living out of my backpack for the next 15 months.

it seems pretty wild, but also very very exciting!

this past weekend, i spent my final days in chicago, which has always been one of my favorite cities in the united states. the reasons go on and on--chicago has one of the most beautiful skylines, so much beautiful architecture, yet a very very GREEN, clean city. chicago has so many different neighborhoods from chinatown, to greektown, to wickerpark, to goldcoast, just to name a few. chicago has an energy like no other city i have ever been in, and people are very generous, and kind hearted. the city is very animal (dog) friendly. and there is something for everyone in chicago. the lake is near by, and the summers are phenomenal. basically, after this weekend, i was reassured that chicago is the city for me, its where i belong once i am ready to move back to the states. it will be my home one day. that is, unless i get an awesome job in australia or meet a super sweet australian boy. =)

of course, i am not sure what the future has in store for me,

but i am sure it will be lovely.

life has yet to disappoint me.

the future is beginning now.

the question, what will you do after sydney? has been asked to me over & over & over again in the last couple of weeks, and my only response is, well, i am not a future teller, so i dont know. anything is possible...

& really, a n y t h i n g is possible.

since i make my future, i have somewhat of an idea what i would like to happen, but i have learned in my short twenty four years on earth that life is full of surprises, and to just allow & accept them as they come. i do have dreams though--& my dream of the future is to leave the united states in november, fly into madrid--travel around europe until january 3rd, then fly into asia till feb 16th, arrive in sydney the 16th, move into my apartment, and start grad school feb 28th, 2011. between june and july i have 6 weeks off from school, my brother and i have been talking about a trip to brazil during that time. i graduate nov 18, 2011. my apartment lease expires dec 31st. and from there i am hoping to move to asia (preferably indonesia) for the following year, somewhere on the beach, just enjoying the surf & possibly teaching english. i actually want to enjoy life. i know i cant do a 9-5 job, i cant work in an office, i cant wear uncomfortable clothes, & i dont want to have to look professional--i want to be me. i want to spend the majority of my time feeding my soul, through art, meditation, foods, and life.

i dont think i will ever return to the united states once i leave in november,

maybe for short visits with my mom and brother. but i know the "american dream" is not for me, i dont want marriage, or a fancy house and car, or a high paying job.

the only thing i truly need is the sea.

still water runs deep

on november 9th, 1988, my brother, albert thomas gonzalez was welcomed into this world. i became a big sister, and he became my everything. growing up i always wanted to teach him everything i knew. although he is much wiser (and has a MUCH older soul then mine) i still did my very best to make sure he understood what i had already learned in my 3 years more of experience in life. i would absolutely 100% no questions asked take a bullet for him. everyday i am more and more amazed by his personality, and how incredibly genius he is. him and i share the same sun sign, which also has made our relationship that much better since we completely understand each other. we know that we are both incredibly emotional people, we both know that we tend to hold grudges, are jealous, not knowing the "whole" story and details--especially not knowing the truth is difficult for us, and we both tend to be very secretive, dark people. its just who we are. we can not change that truth.

recently, my brother has been going through something deep, and it is so very difficult for me to sit and watch it take place. i have allowed his pain to take over my emotions. i am drained and exhausted, but i wont stop until he is happy. and i will do whatever it takes. each person in this world is very different from one another, and i understand we will not all agree, and things will not always work out as we wished they would, but the only thing i ask for is the truth. that is it, it should be so simple. if the people hurting my brother just communicated and told him how they felt then he would be able to release the pain and continue on this journey. today, on the way to work i told him we just needed to smile all day, and not let anything break the smile. it was a challenge, yet we both succeeded, and hopefully this positivity will continue till we are both back to our normal everyday happiness. from this moment on, i will not allow negativity to effect me, i only have one month left here with my brother & i want it to be nothing but positivity and enlightenment.

desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann, 1920

judgmental people

judgmental, judgemental [dʒʌdʒˈmɛnt^əl]

adj

of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

i have lived in jackson, mississippi since january 2009. i moved here for many reasons: i had to get out of california. my life was complete disaster. i broke up with my first love (which i am finally ok with), my father being very abusive put me through hell, and california itself was a mess-no money, no jobs, universities were closing the admissions process. i also felt that my mother and i were going through a rough patch as well-which truly needed healing because she is a person that i feel is non-judgmental. somebody that i can tell anything too, and i would not feel ashamed. moving to mississippi fixed most things instantly, my mother and i worked out our differences, my brother and i are closer than ever, i have been able to save money and travel. my emotional health is back on track. i have been able to focus more on me and the things important to me, like my meditation, my art, my health, and traveling.

unfortunately, with all the positive there are a few negatives.

i have not met one single person here that is on the same consciousness level as me, not one single person that understands me, or accepts who i am completely. i feel that everyday i have to take on the world with fists up. i do my best most days to stay positive and on top of the game. i find that if i stay positive its much easier to face each new day. i am truly happy to be alive and once again get the opportunity to do all the things i am doing in life. i went to mexico this past summer, and for the first time in many months finally felt like people understood me and i did not even have to say a word. we were all on the same wave length. people did not question my beliefs but were more fascinated and interested, as i were to them. i find that most of the people here in mississippi are extreme hypocrites. they preach about being christian, and loving the bible, yet everyday they are judging me for my differences and most are cruel about it. most make me feel like i am a piece of shit and worthless just because i am not a christian. they know nothing about who i am. i have found that the few people i have met here that i have accepted into my life are just as judgmental. i make a mistake and i am punished. this is who i am, and i am not going to change for anyone. yes, i am growing and learning from my mistakes, but that is up to me to judge myself--not you. i create my destiny, you do not. i am going to continue to be happy, but i am looking forward to getting out of this place very soon and being in a place where judging others is not an option. i will find like-minded people on my journey through europe, & this adventure that i am on (life) will be a beautiful beautiful thing. im ready for it all.

extra long week/weekend

its only thursday--

this week has felt like a month. monday literally feels like weeks ago, why is time moving so slow? is it because i am eager to go on my trip? i need to remember that i only have 8 weeks remaining in mississippi--with my mom and brother for a long, long (possibly permanent) adventure through europe, asia, to australia (where i will be starting grad school in february 2011). i need to remember to live in the moment-enjoy my time now, because the next thing i know i will be on my plane to madrid, and i dont want to regret not spending more time with my family. i still have much to do in preparation for my trip-need to buy a backpack, some travel undies, a hula-hoop, i need to apply for visas, and email all the people i will be staying with-and create an itinerary for the first month in europe. i also need to finish fixing up my car, and then sell it. lots to do, and not very much time, unless time continues to move this slowly. well, i have lots of plans for the upcoming weekend--tonight i got cut at work, but have to go back for a meeting/menu test at ten. then i work morning till noon tomorrow at drip, then 6-close at mellow, and then gotta meet up in fondren to make some street art. saturday: celtic fest, work, hal & mals, sunday--sleep sleep sleep & make some art. now that i am looking at my upcoming weekend, i am pretty excited. sounds like a fun, chill goodtime. cant wait. life is brillant--so happy to be alive & part of it all.

namaste.

you are what you eat

to some people i have a very complicated, odd diet. i find what i eat to be very simple, cause it is exactly that-- no animal products (except for honey), no gluten, and mostly all raw and organic. i avoid foods that are packaged or have any preservatives or ingredients that are foreign. Basically, i eat the way we are suppose to eat. Lots of fresh produce, without all the processing that is done here in the states. i do not consume any pharmaceutical drugs/antibodies. i dont believe in vaccines. our bodies are quite powerful and can adapt to most things. i care about what goes in my body and i appreciate all it has done for me-- i have perfect vision, perfect hearing and smell. i can walk, run, swim, talk, shout, & sing! my body even has the power to create another human being! its pretty miraculous. my body is so good to me--so i want to return the favor by being good to it. giving it alllll the good things in life. my body thanks me with good health & happy, positive vibrations from my toes to my skull.

looking back

its really weird to look back & re-read some of the blog entries i had back in late 2009/early 2010. i went through a very strange time in my life. i had no idea what to do next. i was struggling to let go of my first love--i never thought it would be so difficult. it took me well over a year to move on, and let go. i spent many months meditating and detaching-and learning how to love myself. treating myself to all the good things-like fresh organic meals, traveling, and exercising everyday. i began focusing on me instead of dwelling on the future and whether i would be alone forever or not. i wont be alone, ever because i love myself. i love all of which i am. i feel healthy & my consciousness has made a GREAT shift in the past 6 months-i feel that i can do anything and nothing is going to stop me (except myself, if i choose to). i am so happy, so very very happy. actually, this is the happiest that i have been in years and years. somedays i have moments (sometimes as short as 10 seconds) when i just smile & inhale in the beauty of the day, each moment passing is such a miracle. and i am so happy to be alive and part of all of it.

its been a while.. but i think im ready to start blogging again.

hello blogworld.

i have decided to start blogging again.

i always enjoy reading all my friends/family updates,

so i figured maybe someone will enjoy mine,

& if not, i will enjoy it all to myself. =)

i leave for my trip in 8 weeks, 6 days.

eeeeek!

i will keep you updated weekly on my progress preparing for the trip

& while i am on my journey. cant wait!

ciao

deleting

this blog. im sick of it already.

and i am sick of myspace, facebook, and twitter.

im ready to delete it all & just not worry about internet anymore.

blah.

summer plans

possible summer options:

• 4-6 weeks in salamanca spain studying spanish
• 4-12 weeks in thailand
• 4 weeks in india

or a combination of 2 or all 3 if i am lucky.

spain is very expensive, for 4 weeks at the university & accommodations i am looking at $1500 (not including food), flights round trip are about $1400. thailand would be very very cheap, $900 roundtrip, and less than $150 for up to 12 weeks accommodations, india is about the same. it is about $150 to fly from thailand to india, but about $450 to fly from either of those to spain. hmm.. i need to get a second job so i can accomplish all of this.

my goal date for leaving is: friday, may 14th, 2010.

time to save save save.

please grow quicker

i want long hair.

really really long hair.

patience is the only thing i can do.

exercise

i could exercise from morning till night if i had the time,

i love the endorphins i get,

i love to sweat,

i love not feeling guilty about eating.

i love my dance class (zumba), and spin class, ohh and yoga class. my 3 favorites at the moment, and i have gotten my mile times down over the past week in my runs. hopefully at this rate i will be ready for the march 28th triathlon that i am hoping to do this year. =)

end of the week sweet tooth

saturday evening

next 6 month wishlist

-pay off credit card (asap)

-pay off laptop bill (by may 1st)

-mexico (the month of march)

-costa rica (summer)

-tattoo (before summer)

-get car fixed (before summer)

-get accepted into grad school (asap)

-lose 17 pounds & 3% body fat (before summer)

2010 destinations

i am really looking forward to spending a month in mexico this spring, and then a month in costa rica this summer!! 46 days till mexico!! stoked. stoked. stoked.

blah

today was very blah, somedays i get very frustrated with myself--just the way i am and the decisions i make. most of my decisions i regret instantly, and dwell on them for a while. i cant take things back but sometimes i wish i could. i really just need to change my ways. be more honest with myself and others. if i did that then i wouldnt regret anything. its a new year so here is my chance to have a fresh start. i cant wait to get away and go to mexico in a couple weeks. i need the peace and quiet, i plan on spending the entire month of march not speaking to the outside world or putting anything toxic into my body. it will be a time of spiritual growth. i need that. the countdown begins: 47 days

somedays...

i spend all day dreaming of my wedding day with him.

i usually am against the system, but sometimes i can be extra girlie & have my moments.

last minute decision

i usually never wait till the last minute for anything. i usually have things done way before deadline, but i just decided i wanted to apply to CSULB for grad school so now its a rush since the deadline is January 30th, ahhh.

a new year, a new me

its so strange to me that it is 2010. at one point during 2009 i remember wishing 2009 would just be over, but i think that was only because i was so excited all year about my peru trip and i just wanted to be there. looking back on the year all i can do is smile. 2009 was absolutely perfect in every way. i stayed completely stress free all year and just enjoyed my surroundings. i was able to travel to chicago more than once, new orleans, memphis, all multiple times. i also got to go up to portland, seattle, oahu, and down to destin, florida. i also got to spend 2 months in peru! life was really really good for me. although i have enjoyed all the traveling i do miss family and friends in california. i had many days during 2009 that i just wanted to get in my car and drive home. i learned a lot about myself this year and i do think 2010 is going to be just as amazing. i already started the year off in california with all my family and friends. and im getting ready to book my next trip to mexico, and i am filing out applications to grad school. still not really sure where i want to go but i will figure it out soon enough. no stress. this year i really want to spend less money on new shit, and eating out and partying. i want to save money for trips & i want to work out more and treat my body better. 2009 was pretty spontaneous, so 2010 should be just as exciting!! im looking forward to another great year.

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first blog of 2010.

california was amazing.

i will write more in the morning.

im a sleepyhead right now.

goodnight world.