the future is beginning now.

the question, what will you do after sydney? has been asked to me over & over & over again in the last couple of weeks, and my only response is, well, i am not a future teller, so i dont know. anything is possible...

& really, a n y t h i n g is possible.

since i make my future, i have somewhat of an idea what i would like to happen, but i have learned in my short twenty four years on earth that life is full of surprises, and to just allow & accept them as they come. i do have dreams though--& my dream of the future is to leave the united states in november, fly into madrid--travel around europe until january 3rd, then fly into asia till feb 16th, arrive in sydney the 16th, move into my apartment, and start grad school feb 28th, 2011. between june and july i have 6 weeks off from school, my brother and i have been talking about a trip to brazil during that time. i graduate nov 18, 2011. my apartment lease expires dec 31st. and from there i am hoping to move to asia (preferably indonesia) for the following year, somewhere on the beach, just enjoying the surf & possibly teaching english. i actually want to enjoy life. i know i cant do a 9-5 job, i cant work in an office, i cant wear uncomfortable clothes, & i dont want to have to look professional--i want to be me. i want to spend the majority of my time feeding my soul, through art, meditation, foods, and life.

i dont think i will ever return to the united states once i leave in november,

maybe for short visits with my mom and brother. but i know the "american dream" is not for me, i dont want marriage, or a fancy house and car, or a high paying job.

the only thing i truly need is the sea.

still water runs deep

on november 9th, 1988, my brother, albert thomas gonzalez was welcomed into this world. i became a big sister, and he became my everything. growing up i always wanted to teach him everything i knew. although he is much wiser (and has a MUCH older soul then mine) i still did my very best to make sure he understood what i had already learned in my 3 years more of experience in life. i would absolutely 100% no questions asked take a bullet for him. everyday i am more and more amazed by his personality, and how incredibly genius he is. him and i share the same sun sign, which also has made our relationship that much better since we completely understand each other. we know that we are both incredibly emotional people, we both know that we tend to hold grudges, are jealous, not knowing the "whole" story and details--especially not knowing the truth is difficult for us, and we both tend to be very secretive, dark people. its just who we are. we can not change that truth.

recently, my brother has been going through something deep, and it is so very difficult for me to sit and watch it take place. i have allowed his pain to take over my emotions. i am drained and exhausted, but i wont stop until he is happy. and i will do whatever it takes. each person in this world is very different from one another, and i understand we will not all agree, and things will not always work out as we wished they would, but the only thing i ask for is the truth. that is it, it should be so simple. if the people hurting my brother just communicated and told him how they felt then he would be able to release the pain and continue on this journey. today, on the way to work i told him we just needed to smile all day, and not let anything break the smile. it was a challenge, yet we both succeeded, and hopefully this positivity will continue till we are both back to our normal everyday happiness. from this moment on, i will not allow negativity to effect me, i only have one month left here with my brother & i want it to be nothing but positivity and enlightenment.