up-to-date b u c k e t list.

Nearly two years ago I created a ‘to-do-list’ or as some call it, a bucketlist, of things I want to accomplish before turning age thirty. I recently retrieved that list off my computer and to my surprise I was able to cross off quite a few things, such as: become a reiki master, become a certified yoga teacher, truly loving myself, visiting the White House and trying dimethyltryptamine, to name a few.

I have two more years until my deadline expires and I accept my thirtieth year of life on Earth. I have acknowledged that there really should not be such a deadline. I have too many things on my list to complete in two years time, and not that I want to put anything off, yet at the moment, I am enjoying where I am. I am living in the now and discovering all the gems that Colorado has to offer.

I have created yet again another list (I recently realized how often I create lists and how necessary they are for me). This list is a ‘Colorado to-do-list’. I have written down all the things I want to accomplish while I am a resident of this state. I have already been able to check off quite a few items, such as: see a show at red rocks amphitheater, use every form of public transportation in Denver, rock climb, and I am still in the process of tasting all the best coffee shops and breweries in town. My list goes on to visit the Rocky Mt National Park, go to a baseball game, visit every museum, hike a fourteener, and so on. I have taken pleasure in crossing things off my ‘Colorado list’. 

Yet, I still have a few places/things I would like to accomplish before turning thirty that are at the top of the list which include:

Visits to the following places: Yellowstone National Park, Moab, Mt.Rushmore, Austin, Earthship community in Taos, Vancoucer, Alaska, Iceland, Egypt, Israel and Jordan.  I still want to see Bjork live, and lastly, I still want to have a cute little place near the sea (mostly off the grid) with a garden, back yard solar over, bee hives and chickens.

Still a vast list is complete--- but all possible in ash’s world.

Manifestation, manifestation, manifestation.

be here now. [the states]

It has been a little over a year since my return to the United States last April. Although I was born in this country and I believe it was for a very meaningful reason, I am now questioning my purpose here. I am certainly trying to find my place, where I belong in this country—I have traveled and moved all over the nation, yet still it is not fulfilling. Please don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed living in Jackson, Orange County, and currently Denver. It is all part of the journey and growth, yet deep down I do not feel fulfilled. I do not feel as though I belong. I do not feel entirely settled. When I think back at the happiest moments in my life they are not in the United States, they are always abroad. My happiest moments have been in Mexico, Thailand and Guatemala.

Recently I have been questioning my citizenship. Questioning whether I should pick up and leave the country again, regain that bliss. Or maybe it is just the travel that keeps me content—maybe the adventure, the people, and spontaneity of it all.  Maybe having less is better, I prefer living out of my backpack than having heaps of shit to fill my apartment. Life is easier when it is simpler.  I feel more satisfied having minimal things, yet having more time in my life to further my creativity and healing. 

I am certainly getting to know myself better with each passing day. I have embraced my Saturn return and stepping into my adult life. I know who I am, where I come from, what I want and I am currently learning how to conquer these goals. I am fully embracing manifestation.   I am creating the world in which I live entirely on my own. What I want, I receive. What I send out, I regain. I am enjoying life, enjoying each moment that I am in, yet ultimately when I look to my future I do not see a very gratifying life here. I would much rather have a hammock as a bed, minimal possessions and living off the land. I would much rather search out my own water and food, then pay ridiculous amounts of money on processed, unknown ingredients. I want pura vida. 

This has been a fascinating homecoming year, I now know what is out there and with the continuous jerking of our perceptions and shifting between dimensions, I have been on a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Right now I feel content, ten minutes from now I may be spiraling into depression, then one hour from now feel happy again. I am doing everything in my power to stay aware and conscious of these feelings, but sometimes my emotions and hormones take full control of the wheel. It can sometimes take days to regain contentment. There are days when I do not feel in control of my life. Some days, I actually considering quitting. Yet, I am always able to bounce back, I gain answers in my dreams that transport me back to my reality.

I am here, I am a conscious being. I am a warrior of light and love. And I am here to shine that light. I am feeling quite claustrophobic here, but I am here now, so there is still purpose. When the right timing comes, I will be where I need to be. Yet, I must say my dreams are quite lovely. I am near the sea, feet in the sand, sun on my back. I am never far from the ocean in my dreams. Life is simple, life is happy. I am ready to be there, ready when the time is right.

ten weeks in the mile high city [update]

I will begin with stating my appreciation and gratitude towards the Universe and all the gifts and blessings that I have been given and experiences I have had since arriving in this mile high city.  I know I am exactly where I should be since I am here now.  I truly love my life at the moment, but I do know that I am not living to my full potential. I am just kind of settling at the moment, yet Denver is a nice place to settle. I have a great little apartment and an awesome job downtown.  Although I am having fun, I know deep down that Denver is not the long haul for me. I am a country girl, not a city girl. I know this about myself; so then why did I end up in Denver? Hmm, still not sure, I knew there were jobs here and opportunity for growth and education. And that is exactly what I am doing at the moment, learning and growing. Denver is temporary, but life is temporary. I am living in the moment, enjoying each moment that I am a part of. Yet, I do have wanderlust running through my veins. I am ready for my next adventure—ready to travel, ready to be free, with just the bare necessities. I am not really sure where my roots will be laid; I am still on the search. Colorado is a possibility (just outside the city); I also daydream about the northern California and Oregon coastline and the fresh air of Asheville, NC. My dreams even extend outside this country—I fantasize my business on a lush, warm beach down to Central America (Panama, or the likes).  Hmm, I still am unsure where my life is taking me, but that is the fun part—its all one huge adventure! I am hoping to spend the second half of the year outside the country, backpacking around the Middle East, and hopefully ending the year in Asia. Maybe that is where I will get stuck for a while, I definitely wouldn’t mind that. 

Life is beautiful. I am blessed. 

c o l o R A D o.

Six weeks, six full weeks in Colorado; yet it feels like forever (in a good way). I am beyond blissed out---and exactly where I need to be at this moment in time. I know this for sure because every thing has fallen in to place so absolutely perfectly for me. That was not exactly the case for getting to Colorado though—it was a rough start. Yet, at times, good things take effort—obstacles to overcome. At present time, I am all settled in—I have a sweet little apartment right in the heart of all the goodness, and less than one mile from my super astounding job. Initially, I was unsure about my work place—being that it is Starbucks. I promised myself that I would never work for a major corporation again, never be part of the ‘man’. Yet, to my surprise, it is incredibly laid back and we are allowed to be individuals. All the girls that I work with are super sweet and caring. The job is easy and fun—and I am getting paid fairly well. I am really happy at work, and feeling incredibly blessed to have such a eminent job. In addition, it only takes me about seven minutes (via bike) to get to work in the morning. I am full time and Monday-Friday. So I have weekends all to myself.

 I am meeting such beautiful people and making wonderful friends.  Everyday I am in awe at how perfectly beautiful everything is turning out. My best friend (and ex-boyfriend), is also living in the city (and very soon will be my roommate). It has been nice to spend time with him—and have a little piece of my past currently in my present. On my free time (weekends), I have been spending my time and money on live music and art. It has been such a treat for me---I love live music and dance parties! My spiritual and physical body have been radiating, I am super happy and excited for every moment of now. I am also looking forward to all the upcoming events for the year: next week I start my herbalist program, I am going to start vending and making art and tinctures for sale, also—a Colorado summer! Stoked! Then, Burning Man, followed by a potential trip to Egypt! All is lovely and entirely too flawless. I am blessed and happy to be Ashley Marie Gonzalez, happy to be in my skin, happy to be on Earth. Thank you all for sharing this time with me here.

Reading with Carol Parks: 1/18/13

Carol Parks, her name came up in conversation several times---so I took it upon myself to meet the woman that was so highly spoken of. In my opinion, all her reviews were true. Carol Parks was absolutely astonishing and entirely on point. Her guide, Noah, instantaneously answered the questions that I had as soon as they were leaving my lips.  Overall, this reading just gave me the confirmation that I desperately was seeking.

Before the reading I created a small graph titled 2013. I listed the questions that I had: COLORADO/SOLOMON/TRUE LOVE/HERBALISM/OVER SEAS TRAVEL /YOGA/MY BROTHER/& EARTH CHANGES.  Basically these were all the things that I wanted to fully understand. I began the session explaining my (spontaneous) decision to move to Colorado, practically over night; and second, my recent split with Solomon, yet I wanted to understand why I was so connected to him.

Straight away, she began speaking about my relationship with Sol. She explained our past life agreement, and that it was unfilled, so it was very necessary that it be filled in this lifetime. Meaning, Solomon will always be in my life and I will always be in his. We need each other, yet not necessarily romantically.

Next, my move to Colorado—hmm, it was not positive, yet not negative either. It was more of… it’s a stepping-stone for what is next to come; but not really where I belong or will be for very long. It is, however, a place where I can learn: more nature healing (herbalism, etc). Traveling abroad would be best for me. And my personal energy resonates best with Thailand, she believes.

I pulled two cards during the reading: the first being ‘The World’ ---which yes, so me! No need for explanation. Second, I pulled the Magician card—which addressed the question of true love. She said when I meet the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, that it will be PURE MAGIC. I will know from the moment I meet him—which is due to take place late 2013, early 2014—exciting!

We spoke about confidence and self-esteem—and her guide, Noah, kept asking why I did not have the amount of confidence that I should. He asked her why... over and over again. They were both very confused why i didnt have heaps more self-esteem. They both said that there was nothing wrong with me—that I was beautiful inside and out, --I have not carried over any negativity from past lives and I am free in this lifetime (besides my karmic connection with Solomon) and had absolutely no reason to lack confidence—I am radiating with love.  And to always remember that.

The topic that was addressed time after time was YOGA. She mentioned it before I had the chance to; she said that is my calling. I NEED to teach. She reiterated that several times to me throughout the reading.

Many other topics were addressed—true love, my relationship with my brother and his life and Earth changes. All which were very enlightening.

Overall, I am feeling extremely confident in my future plans and dreams. I am looking forward for what is to come. Yippppppppieeeee!

Manifestation: two thousand and thirteen

One week ago—I was in a place of complete darkness. I truly feared being so far from the Light that I would not be able to escape the darkness, yet now as I write this I smirk from ear to ear.  I woke up on Thursday and realized life IS worth living. This (now) is the only time we get to enjoy all these Earthly pleasures and delights. Life is far too perfect, far too magical. How did I ever let myself slip into such a funk? I suppose it was needed in order to be reminded that I AM the creator of my destiny. I chose to be sad and push away the Light. I wanted darkness and I GOT IT! Just as fast as I wanted darkness and received it—I wanted the Light again—and got it! It was that simple. I am now beaming, radiant, joyous. Back to the norm.

With that being said, I AM THE CREATOR. I MANIFEST MY DESTINY, MY FUTURE.

I am a strong believer in manifestation and positive intent, so I spent the weekend reflecting on how I imagine this year to be- this new, fresh, inspiring year: At the end of this month I am going to journey (via my auto) through Austin, Pheonix, and Los Angeles. Then heading through Colorado and up to Denver with Marshall (my brotha from another motha). We plan to find a house for rent slightly outside the city—one with a great big back yard for his great dane and our future food garden. Another manifestation is a job either/or teaching yoga and working in a health food shop (preferably in the supplements department). Or basically anything geared around natural health. COLORADO IS GOING TO BE SOOO GOOD FOR MY SOUL—I CAN FEEL IT.

By summer, I WILL have enough money saved up to head south, past the border into Mexico. Lynlee, Peyton and I want to spend some of the Summer at the Shaman’s Festival. Then—well, the possibilities are endless. Either head back up to Colorado OR

Continue traveling South. I have really been considering starting my business this year, and have also been strongly considering starting it outside of the country. For those that do not know, I want to start a tea bar. Serving up some awesome elixirs and herbal teas for the soul along with coffee, possibly fresh juices, and vegan treats. I want the place to be a for healing, art, yoga and good vibes and energy. I am not quite sure where this place is going to be yet, but I will have to travel through Nicaragua, Costa Rica and Panama before I know for sure where I want to plant some roots.                         I am beyond excited. Two thousand and thirteeeeeeen! 

suicide: phasing out

I believe we have all made the cognizant and deliberate decision to come to Earth for various reasons: some may want to learn, experience, appreciate, understand and empathize; some for karmic reasons, and others are here as Light workers, guides and healers. We are all here for a reason; some may know their purpose, while others search their entire lives for reason. Conversely, I believe that we can leave here at any time we would like as well. Some leave via ‘accidents,’ others leave at ‘old’ age, and others deliberately phase out (commit suicide).

Over the past week I have considering death. I believe a gateway has opened up, an exit way for me to leave if I choose to.  It has been forceful to say the least, as if death is yearning for me. I have been trying to comprehend it, but cannot wrap my head around it. I am not a depressed person; I am not even an unhappy person. I am quite content and enjoying life. Yet, why do I have such a strong desire to leave? I have been dreaming of ‘going home’ every night. I have woken up every morning with different options of how I should do this—how I should leave without emotionally hurting anyone (or maybe it is their lesson to let go of my physical being).

I know why I am here on Earth, I know I am a Light worker—this is my purpose. And, I have been doing this all my life, since birth. I know my life till this exact moment has been very meaningful and purposeful, yet recently I have been feeling like I no longer enjoy these human emotions—I am exhausted watching human beings hurt one another, I am exhausted by hate, greed and selfishness. I am trying so hard to keep shining my light, but the negativity is suffocating me. Maybe I should just leave now while I am ahead, maybe my purpose is expired. I want to go home. Or is there more? Shall I stay a bit longer and find out? Or am I just being selfish and taking the easy way out?