be here now. [the states]

It has been a little over a year since my return to the United States last April. Although I was born in this country and I believe it was for a very meaningful reason, I am now questioning my purpose here. I am certainly trying to find my place, where I belong in this country—I have traveled and moved all over the nation, yet still it is not fulfilling. Please don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed living in Jackson, Orange County, and currently Denver. It is all part of the journey and growth, yet deep down I do not feel fulfilled. I do not feel as though I belong. I do not feel entirely settled. When I think back at the happiest moments in my life they are not in the United States, they are always abroad. My happiest moments have been in Mexico, Thailand and Guatemala.

Recently I have been questioning my citizenship. Questioning whether I should pick up and leave the country again, regain that bliss. Or maybe it is just the travel that keeps me content—maybe the adventure, the people, and spontaneity of it all.  Maybe having less is better, I prefer living out of my backpack than having heaps of shit to fill my apartment. Life is easier when it is simpler.  I feel more satisfied having minimal things, yet having more time in my life to further my creativity and healing. 

I am certainly getting to know myself better with each passing day. I have embraced my Saturn return and stepping into my adult life. I know who I am, where I come from, what I want and I am currently learning how to conquer these goals. I am fully embracing manifestation.   I am creating the world in which I live entirely on my own. What I want, I receive. What I send out, I regain. I am enjoying life, enjoying each moment that I am in, yet ultimately when I look to my future I do not see a very gratifying life here. I would much rather have a hammock as a bed, minimal possessions and living off the land. I would much rather search out my own water and food, then pay ridiculous amounts of money on processed, unknown ingredients. I want pura vida. 

This has been a fascinating homecoming year, I now know what is out there and with the continuous jerking of our perceptions and shifting between dimensions, I have been on a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Right now I feel content, ten minutes from now I may be spiraling into depression, then one hour from now feel happy again. I am doing everything in my power to stay aware and conscious of these feelings, but sometimes my emotions and hormones take full control of the wheel. It can sometimes take days to regain contentment. There are days when I do not feel in control of my life. Some days, I actually considering quitting. Yet, I am always able to bounce back, I gain answers in my dreams that transport me back to my reality.

I am here, I am a conscious being. I am a warrior of light and love. And I am here to shine that light. I am feeling quite claustrophobic here, but I am here now, so there is still purpose. When the right timing comes, I will be where I need to be. Yet, I must say my dreams are quite lovely. I am near the sea, feet in the sand, sun on my back. I am never far from the ocean in my dreams. Life is simple, life is happy. I am ready to be there, ready when the time is right.