the real reason i am going back to asia

some of you might think i am going back to asia in order to learn more, experience, sightsee, grow spiritually... but the real reason is the food (hehe): panang curry, green & red curry, tom yum soup, chili basil stir fry, pad thai, seaweed soup, rice paper rolls, tofu kaprow, glass noodles, jungle curry, black sticky rice w/mango, fresh juices, kombucha, fresh coconut (straight from the tree), green papaya salad, green tea, jasmine rice, watercress fi dang, spicy black bean eggplant, hot & sour soup, tofu satay, fat rice noodles, lemon grass noodle soup, green mango salad..... ohhhhh my goodness, i cannot wait!

bucketlist.

i have written several bucket lists in my lifetime, but recently my roommate laura has inspired me to take a look back at my old lists, check off the things i have accomplish [surprisingly, i have accomplished almost everything on my last list: visit the sistine chapel, teach english in foreign country, masters degree, climb the rock of gibraltar, scuba dive the great barrier reef, build a cob house... just to name a few] && i have created a new one--all the things i want to accomplish before turning thirty [november 18, 2015]. i have four years & a few weeks to check off the following dreams:

-Absolutely 100% loving my body/appearance: release negative emotions and limiting beliefs

-Visit the White House

-Brew my own beer

-Become a wine connoisseur

-Disney World (Florida)

-Alaska

-Fly first class

-Find a red pogo stick (like the one I had as a kid)

-Maine & Vermont: Route 100 in the autumn

-Canada (Road trip from West Coast to East Coast)

-Spend a year backpacking from Central to South America

-Carnival in Rio

-try DMT (just once)

-Eat Kiwi in New Zealand

-Cruise from Patagonia to Antarctica

-Become fluent in Spanish

-Visit Jerusalem

-Become a Reiki Master

-Spend a New Year’s Eve in Time Square

-Full Moon Party: Thailand

-Buy and restore a vintage VW bus

-Complete a triathlon

-Burning Man Festival

-Build/Keep a bee hive

-Start a soup kitchen

-Build a backyard adobe oven

-Teach yoga (Certification in India)

-Scandinavia & Iceland: Northern Lights

-Visit London & Barcelona

-Have a successful vegetable/fruit/herb garden

-Own happy (egg-laying) chickens

-Hulahooping: be able to bring the hoop from my ankles back up to my neck

-Motorbike license: Own a vespa

-Fall in Love

-See Bjork live

-Learn the banjo

-Design an Exhibition (for a well-known museum)

-Work for Habitat for Humanity

-Skydive w/Laura

-Sneak into Cuba

-Jamaica (& Islands) for the Summer

-Finish paperwork for EU Passport

-Go to a raw food party hosted by David Wolfe

-Have a one year lease on an apartment: somewhere near the sea.

Well, there is the list folks. I will post an updated list every so often till everything is checked off. Looking forward to experiencing every single one of these.

another divine saturday in ashley's life

As Saturday comes to an end, I have to smile. This WAS the perfect Saturday. Everything I love all crammed into one beautiful day: happiness, reggae, sunshine, green papaya salad, gymtime, neem mask, fresh coconut & dark chocolate.

Well, to be completely honest, it did not start out perfect. My alarm went off at seven and usually I am up before my alarm & if not, I am able to get right up & ready to start my day. This morning though, was a bit different- I woke up grumpy as. I had spent the prior two nights working on a big project and by the time I went to bed Friday night I was too exhausted to even sleep. I tossed & turned, and finally after falling asleep was woken up by a text message from my boss asking me to come in earlier Saturday morning. I usually start at 9, but she wanted me there by 8. I struggled to fall back asleep and when the alarm went off at 7, I was simply angry that it was waking me up when I was not ready. Anyways, I ate some rice porridge with dates & granola & washed it all down with an herbal chai, and made my way to work. On my stroll to work, I told myself to snap out of it. Everything was going to be ok, I would just have a long black when I got to work and I would be off by 2, so I could survive this shift. The shift went extremely well, I had convinced myself to be happy (and it worked) nothing at work was bothering me. My boss was freaking out (as usual) and I just smiled & continued doing my work. I got off at 2, went home—took a lovely nap in the yard, woke up to my reggae music streaming from my speakers, the trees swaying in the wind above me, and the sun shining vibrantly onto my skin. I felt nothing but happiness. I went to the gym & got my 3 mile run in, then thai dinner with laura—green papaya salad, yum!! Came home, took a hot shower & put a neem mask on & cracked open my coconut—goosh I love fresh coconut, I like to pour the liquid into a wine glass, it just makes it even that more enjoyable. And now, I am eating a piece of dark chocolate & writing in my blog. This day turned out to be incredible. Positive thinking, I swear it works wonders—If only more people did it daily, we would all be wondering around the streets blissed out of our minds.

life @ Oneness

I have been living in Coogee for over 6 weeks now-- I feel absolutely lucky to live so close to the sea & especially to work even closer to it. When I first applied at Oneness, I already had a job lined up at a vegan wholefood restaurant in the city, I was thrilled to start at Iku, but after wondering into Oneness (for a soy dandelion latte) & speaking with the owner of the place, I felt it was a better fit for me since it was all about Oneness and so close to home. We spoke for a bit and she asked if I had a resume & if I could start that weekend--I was stoked as!

My first shift was a busy Saturday--it was intense! I felt as if I had been dropped into a swimming pool without knowing how to swim. I had no knowledge of the menu, or how Australian cafes worked. I just went with it though, thankful that I had a job. It only took me a few more shifts to feel comfortable with the menu & the overall business. However, also within that time I discovered that the owner was not always the friendliest person in the world. She owns a business that is suppose to encourage Oneness, the idea that we are all One--We are not separate from anything or anyone in the Universe. It's quite a beautiful concept & one that I fully embrace. The place is blissed out with buddhas and inspirational cards, free natural health magazines, etc. We have the best organic coffee & teas on Earth as well. Actually, everything in the place I love--the decor & the customers, the food!! the coffee! & my co-workers are soooooooo beautiful. Yet, there is one person that changes the energy of the place--and that is the owner. She is rude, unfriendly, materialistic, fake, & so on. She makes me feel so uncomfortable on a daily basis. I actually have to meditate before & after work in order to make it through a shift. At first thought, I just wanted to quit. But I knew that was the incorrect thing to do. I could not just give up that easy. I knew this was just another lesson to be learned, I could survive one unfriendly person. I decided to make a list of the reasons why she was so angry all the time, first she is barely making a profit, if not just breaking even. The business has only been open for a year now, and things are still growing and changing all the time. She has had bad luck with employees, so now she trusts no one. She works every single day, without any breaks and once again does not trust anyone enough to take a day off from the store. She is overworked and underpaid. Yet, I still do not think these are valid reasons to be rude to your co-workers. I have decided to take a different approach to this uncomfortable situation. I will just send her daily love and light. I will do my best to be positive every shift and to start and leave just as positive. It is difficult though when every other person I works with despises her as well, and when she puts you down every hour on the hour. In spite of this, the sun, mercury and venus are moving through the sign of virgo, this is the perfect time to renew, rejuvenate and strengthen our individual ability to remain calm, centered, and in a personal space of gratitude and appreciation. These feelings, when cultivated and practiced on a regular, daily basis, will create an opening in our heart space, a lifting of our spirit awareness & a counter with the negativity I am experiencing in the workplace. I AM strong enough for this, I CAN make a difference (just by keeping positive) & I WILL survive this. This job is important to me-it pays the bills, allows me to enjoy extra little things for myself & helps me save travel money; Along with learning and challenging my ego. I only have a few more weeks then I am off to Asia, it's such a short time in the long span of life. Once again, I really am lucky to be living and working at the beach, all while eating beautiful foods & drinking lovely coffees.

Each one of them is Jesus in disguise

What is going to save the human race?

Please.
 Thank you.

Three words that will totally change this planet. 
More than solar power. More than recycling. More than wind energy.

Why?

Because if we all started treating the people and things that we interact with every day with respect and compassion, the effects would ripple through every aspect of our lives, transforming society.

Our parents taught us the manners “rule-sets” that we use every day, and as a result, we feel that we have (through years of introspection) begun walking the path towards enlightenment. Our manners dictate the way we treat the external world, the Environment. We feel that it is primarily our manners that dictate our success as humans.

Folks talk about wanting to save the “Environment”, and that conjures up images of bubbling brooks and unspoiled forests. But “the Environment” isn’t just greenery and pretty scenery. It’s our slums, our airports, our houses, our supermarkets.
The Environment is everything that disappears when you close your eyes.

If you want to improve it, you must begin with what you see and encounter every single day of your life.

Before we can set about elevating our present society from a carbon-based one to a solar-electric one, knowing full well that solar-electric decentralized power means a higher quality of life for all, we must first pause and ask ourselves: Why? What is worth saving?

Human Consciousness.

Our gift and curse as humans is our incredible consciousness. We are aware, and that is the greatest and worst thing we’ve got going for us. Because we can clearly see how well we could be living, how politely we could be treating one another, how incredible life could be; we feel it is our duty to delight and inform our fellow humans in the hopes of creating a better world.

There is no reason every human on Earth could not have access to:


Clean Water


Nutritious Un-modified Food


Shelter


Education


Open Source Communication


Freedom from Oppression and Fascism

But, as is painfully obvious, most humans don’t have those things. 
Most humans don’t have two of the six!

They could, but they don’t.

Why?

Bad Manners.

Nearly every religion this planet has yet produced has as one of its tenets the idea that to be happy, you must treat others as you yourself would hope to be treated.
 A failure in this respect is simply bad form.

When a company decides to dump its waste into a river that others downstream use for drinking water, that is bad manners.

When a society chooses to isolate its citizenry in prisons and not offer any chance at rehabilitation, that is bad manners.

When a person decides to walk into a school and open fire on their classmates, that is extremely bad manners.

That is why we MUST START NOW.

All new generations must be schooled in the art of good manners if we are to survive, let alone flourish, as a species.

Try your hardest to treat others as you hope they would treat you, and actively look for ways to help the people around you. Do this from a pure place within you and watch the effects ripple outward!

Why?

Because so few are doing it.

Good manners make you stand out like a struck match in a dark room.

Three Essentials:

Make eye contact with anyone you interact with. Smiling is optional but highly encouraged.
 Use the words “Please” and “Thank You” as often as you can.
 Seek out ways to improve the lives of others. This can be as small as carrying someones bag up a flight of stairs, or holding a door open.

Do these three things and your life will change immeasurably. And you will begin to change the lives of those who come into contact with you in a measurable and positive way.

ashley DOES have a fear.

ashley+dating=unattainable

what is wrong with me?

a boy shows interest & i run away (& never look back).

i have just been made aware of my fear-- of dating!?! & commitment.

if someone shows any interest at all (even the tiniest bit) i avoid them at every cost possible. what the heck? i need to figure out why i am so afraid.

i slightly think it's my free spirit at the moment & knowing that if i start to fall for someone it wont end so nicely, just knowing that i am on the quest of spirituality & finding myself at the moment, and someone else would just get in the way of this (to say it bluntly). ugh, maybe i just need to take the risk & get over this fear.

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans

Its been a few months since I wrote in my blog, so I felt it was time. I keep a personal journal which I write in every other day or so, but I am terrible at remembering to update this blog. But since I am doing everything possible to avoid writing a paper for uni, now is the perfect time.

I never realized how much I do not like commitment until I am committed to something && then I remember once again how much I cannot be tied down. For example, Uni. uhhhhhhh, i absolutely love it, i really do, but geeez it takes up so much time && i am so eager to travel again. I really need to remind myself every day that this is it. This will be the only time I get a master's degree in art history in Sydney, Australia ever, so I need to really make the most of it. Enjoy every moment, because it is actually almost over, and the next 8 weeks are going to fly by! I can already feel it. So with that, my job--Oneness, will be over soon as well. I only planned to work there during Uni and then by the last week of October I will quit and be on my way. I really do love living in Coogee though, best decision I could have made for my last couple months living in Australia (wow, now I am being reminded that these are my last couple months). ahhhh, i am such a girl & can not make up my mind about moving on or staying.

Well, I have come up with a very rough itinerary for the next several months (its subject to change) but it is all things I would really love to accomplish before my return to the states next year.

From now till Nov 4th-- I will continue to enjoy the days: working at Oneness, hulahooping group, working out & yoga, Uni, eating healthy & living at the beach.

Nov 5-6th- Buddhist festival in Melbourne

November--job position in Melbourne at a holistic vegan resort (With daily vegan/nutrition cooking courses--that I will be in charge of).

Dec 4-Reiki Master course in ChaingMai, Thailand, followed by a month long internship in a hospital.

Jan 7-Yoga teacher certification/ayurvedic studies in Dehli, India for one month

Feb- Environmental program in Kathmandu, Nepal for 3-4 weeks

March--I really want to experience: Laos, Vietnam & Cambodia (but I am just not sure about time), Also would like to spend a month in New Zealand, with a stop over in Fiji.

April--back to Australia for graduation ceremony/visit & meet Belinda & Owen's baby.

May--Hawaii/California

June-New Orleans/Jackson

So much to do, so little time!

I know what I want, its just fitting it all in & making the most of it.

ahhh, I love my life. I am so blessed.

I will try my best to update the blog more often...

the future is so bright that i need my shades.

Is it better to have too many options or none at all?

Well in my case, I have too many options, and not sure which direction to go in. So I am leaving it up to the Universe to lead me in the correct path. The Universe has been oh so good to me thus far, so I will continue to let life enfold in front of my eyes. I do have to put some effort in though in order to see results. This Summer (or Australia’s Winter) I am going to spend it up at the Reef working and applying to all my choices:

[Not in any particular order]

#1—AmeriCorps: If I apply to AmeriCorps there are a number of different job fields I can pursue: working with homeless, environmental jobs, working with abused/ill children, and so on, the possibilities are endless. Also, I can apply anywhere in the entire United States (which is a difficult decision in itself). I am thinking Oregon, Mississippi, or Louisiana. Not quite sure yet.

#2—Start another master’s degree/or doctor’s degree in Latin America. I am going to apply to Rotary in order to work on another degree abroad. I do not mind which country I end up in, I just want to earn a second degree in Spanish language/culture.

#3—Teach For America: If I teach for America I am choosing between Jackson, New Orleans, or somewhere East Coast. This will be a 2-year commitment, and after completion I will be certified to continue teaching. I want to teach HS Art.

#4—Teach English in Spain: I have the opportunity to be a teacher’s assistant in Granada, Spain for one year. I will get paid quite well for easy work abroad.

#5—MOMA internship: I would LOVE to work at the Museum of Modern Art in New York for the year. The internship is M-F 930-530 at the museum, I would be paid $1800 a month for living expenses. If I got this I would be ecstatic.

HEAPS of options! I will apply to all—and then go from there.

Most of these jobs begin in Autumn 2012. Which gives me ample time for travel before hand. I graduate at the end of November; the rough plan for now is New Zealand for 2 months picking fruit, then Fiji—from there head over to Brazil for Carnival (also hoping to make it back to Sydney for graduation ceremony in Feb), then Brazil in March—South America: Venezuela and Colombia (for sure), work my way up North to Central America (Costa Rica, Nica, Belize, Honduras, Guatemala for sure) finish location New Orleans—then Jackson by June. Start work end of summer.

AHHHHH!! Can’t wait to start all the applications. The rest of this year, and next year are going to be oohh, so exciting. Can’t wait.

goals, dreams, ambitions

I made it! I am here in Sydney, Australia (already one month into my masters program)!

It feels like just yesterday I was applying to the uni, and then opening my acceptance letter while in Mexico last summer. I felt like it was decades away from being reality, but now as I sit in my Newtown house in Sydney with my whole new life right in front of me, I know now this is reality. Over the past month I have lived every minute in the now, but after booking a flight to Melbourne and then Tasmania I now have the future on my mind. Time is passing so quickly, I feel it is necessary to get some of the things I want to do in order.

I have decided to create a rough timeline of this next 12 months ahead of me just to get my mind in order.

The next 4 weeks: research research & more research--multiple presentations/assignments due. Also, gym at least 6 days a week-getting back in shape!

Then I have a one week Easter break which I will spend in melbourne/tasmania- Laura, Tamara, and I will be renting a car in Tasmania to road trip and camp.

As soon as I return to Sydney I only have 4 more weeks to finish all my final projects, then semester 1 is complete.

Winter Break--I will have 6-8 weeks, which I plan on spending half in Fiji, and the other half in New Zealand with Belinda and Owen.

When I return the last week of July I will have to find a new place to live, and begin semester 2. I will have lectures on Monday, Wed, and Friday. I am hoping to get a job this semester. I will be all finished with semester 2 by the first week of November. At that point, I am hoping to head up north towards Brisbane. I would like to spend the rest of 2011 in Brisbane and a few weeks diving the great barrier reef. I then plan on returning to Los Angeles by mid-January. I only want to spend a week or so visiting family and friends, then I would like to head down to Central America for 3 months—I would like to perfect my Spanish, becoming yoga teacher certified, and also contribute at least one month at an eco-village in Guatemala. I will fly from there at the end of March into Jackson, Mississippi—I have my job interview around that time. Then start teacher training by the end of May. I am really looking forward to becoming a HS Art teacher. I think it will be lots of fun—I am still a bit undecided about whether I will teach in New Orleans or Jackson-that decision is up to my brother. I will go wherever he goes. I have learned while away that he is my rock and I function best when near him. At that point, I will be settled and committed to a career job—which I never actually thought would happen to me. I will be a month away from the age 27 when I begin teaching—I think I will be content and ready. At that point, everything I have wanted to accomplish will have happened. And, if another great idea pops in my head, I still have the summers off for travel and vacation! Yipppppie! Life is enfolding beautifully right in front of my eyes.

blissed out [in the land down unda]

Moving to a foreign land is exciting, yet frightening all at the same time.

Starting from scratch: new town, new friends, new job, new school, etc. etc.

I have been living in Sydney for exactly one week now, and it has been everything I dreamt it to be and more. I have been ready for a fresh start, so anything was better than nothing. I could have moved to the middle of nowhere and still been just as happy—but this town is everything I love all rolled into one. It’s surrounded by sea, and the laidback beach town feel, surfers walking the boardwalk, combined with big city subways and trains. Meditation/yoga centers, vegetarian restaurants, and local cafes on every corner. I have not met one un-nice person yet. The city is also lined with op shops, and co-op markets. Everyone carries their own canvas bag to the markets, and their stainless steal refill water bottles. Local musicians play their guitar for spare change and the weekends here are filled with local veggie markets and artisan goods. People walk the streets barefoot, and no one sees it as a problem. Pink hair and tattoos are the norm. The more unique you are the better you fit in. Graffiti artwork lines the major streets. It’s very easy to stay healthy and happy in this rather large city of mine. Everyone is looking out for each other. It has only been one week, but I already feel like it is home, and could easily spend the rest of my life here in Australia. Can’t wait to explore more of the coast once I am done with my degree. The only bad thing I could come up with is the cost of things. It is very expensive to live here, but only if you are making wages from another country. Australian minimum wage is very high, usually around 20/hr, so it balances out nicely, however, when you are living off American salary savings, its not going to last long. But I have been on the job search, and soon it will be fine. Also, vegemite- so delicious, I am an addict already. =)

This is going to be a happy , beautiful year.

i live for this moment.

1030pm 1/9/11

i have not blogged since i left chicago, which was 2 months ago,

but i think its time to catch you up on my life.

i have been to places i have always dreamed of going-spain, italy, france, ireland, germany, netherlands, turkey, and now the philippines. i celebrated my birthday, thanksgiving, winter solstice, christmas, and the new years eve countdown all during the last 2 months. the time is passing more quickly than i ever imagined. it really makes me feel like i need to slow down even more than i already am going. i need to be grateful for where i am at and continue to love each day. 2010 was, altogether, such a rapid year. but a year of growth. i traveled numerous times, and learned more about myself than ever. traveling can teach you so much about the world and yourself. there are so many amazing people out in the world that will feed you and let you sleep on their couch for free, they are so honored and proud to show you their town. its quite amazing, and it gives me so much hope for the human race to eventually work towards a greater energy level of peace and love for all. traveling can also be rough on the soul at times as well. i have been dirty, exhausted, lonely, cold, and hungry--in paris, i had a complete break down, and almost flew home. i was beyond homesick, and missing my mom and brother like crazy. Luckily, i had my cousin by my side, who talked me out of it, and helped me get over that hurdle. I am thankful for him being with me at that moment. Since then, i have missed my home, but i know it will be there when i return so i can continue on this journey of enlightenment and extreme happiness. I decided i needed to start 2011 with a completely fresh start, which led me to the decision of juice fasting for 20 days. my body has been craving it, and deserves it completely. my body has been such a champ over the past 2 months of abuse--from pasta, pasta, wine, and more pasta, its ready for this. i have just completed day 1-which was much easier than i imagined. each day i will have heightened spiritual awareness, growing peace, and personal integration. i am completely ready for mental and physical clarity, a stronger immune system, a detox of the toxins running through my body, increased energy levels, and an enhanced sense of joy and lightness. "Fasting is the master key to mental and spiritual unfoldment and evolution."--Dr. Arnold Ehret

i am beyond happy at the moment, and following my bliss 100%. i am so thankful for my health, and ability to travel and take on fasting, and i am even more beyond thankful for my family and friends that are still supporting my every move. love you all.

wanderlust

months of working 2 jobs, saving every penny, selling my car, and giving away most of my clothes/shoes, i am finally here! i have been counting down for months, searching hostels, researching visa requirements, and getting prepared for an adventure of a life time.

6 months ago if you would have asked me where i would be i would have most likely shrugged my shoulders and have no idea what so ever. but now i am sitting in the chicago ohare airport counting down just hours till my flight to copenhagen, then to madrid.

my trip is beginning in madrid,

and the itinerary as of right now is:

spain--morocco--italy--england--ireland--france--austria--czech--germany--netherlands--turkey--india--thailand--indonesia--and my final destination being australia!

i will be in europe till the first week of january, then asia till mid february.

the only items i am traveling with are my laptop, canon camera, and a few clothing items.

i will be living out of my backpack for the next 15 months.

it seems pretty wild, but also very very exciting!

this past weekend, i spent my final days in chicago, which has always been one of my favorite cities in the united states. the reasons go on and on--chicago has one of the most beautiful skylines, so much beautiful architecture, yet a very very GREEN, clean city. chicago has so many different neighborhoods from chinatown, to greektown, to wickerpark, to goldcoast, just to name a few. chicago has an energy like no other city i have ever been in, and people are very generous, and kind hearted. the city is very animal (dog) friendly. and there is something for everyone in chicago. the lake is near by, and the summers are phenomenal. basically, after this weekend, i was reassured that chicago is the city for me, its where i belong once i am ready to move back to the states. it will be my home one day. that is, unless i get an awesome job in australia or meet a super sweet australian boy. =)

of course, i am not sure what the future has in store for me,

but i am sure it will be lovely.

life has yet to disappoint me.

the future is beginning now.

the question, what will you do after sydney? has been asked to me over & over & over again in the last couple of weeks, and my only response is, well, i am not a future teller, so i dont know. anything is possible...

& really, a n y t h i n g is possible.

since i make my future, i have somewhat of an idea what i would like to happen, but i have learned in my short twenty four years on earth that life is full of surprises, and to just allow & accept them as they come. i do have dreams though--& my dream of the future is to leave the united states in november, fly into madrid--travel around europe until january 3rd, then fly into asia till feb 16th, arrive in sydney the 16th, move into my apartment, and start grad school feb 28th, 2011. between june and july i have 6 weeks off from school, my brother and i have been talking about a trip to brazil during that time. i graduate nov 18, 2011. my apartment lease expires dec 31st. and from there i am hoping to move to asia (preferably indonesia) for the following year, somewhere on the beach, just enjoying the surf & possibly teaching english. i actually want to enjoy life. i know i cant do a 9-5 job, i cant work in an office, i cant wear uncomfortable clothes, & i dont want to have to look professional--i want to be me. i want to spend the majority of my time feeding my soul, through art, meditation, foods, and life.

i dont think i will ever return to the united states once i leave in november,

maybe for short visits with my mom and brother. but i know the "american dream" is not for me, i dont want marriage, or a fancy house and car, or a high paying job.

the only thing i truly need is the sea.

still water runs deep

on november 9th, 1988, my brother, albert thomas gonzalez was welcomed into this world. i became a big sister, and he became my everything. growing up i always wanted to teach him everything i knew. although he is much wiser (and has a MUCH older soul then mine) i still did my very best to make sure he understood what i had already learned in my 3 years more of experience in life. i would absolutely 100% no questions asked take a bullet for him. everyday i am more and more amazed by his personality, and how incredibly genius he is. him and i share the same sun sign, which also has made our relationship that much better since we completely understand each other. we know that we are both incredibly emotional people, we both know that we tend to hold grudges, are jealous, not knowing the "whole" story and details--especially not knowing the truth is difficult for us, and we both tend to be very secretive, dark people. its just who we are. we can not change that truth.

recently, my brother has been going through something deep, and it is so very difficult for me to sit and watch it take place. i have allowed his pain to take over my emotions. i am drained and exhausted, but i wont stop until he is happy. and i will do whatever it takes. each person in this world is very different from one another, and i understand we will not all agree, and things will not always work out as we wished they would, but the only thing i ask for is the truth. that is it, it should be so simple. if the people hurting my brother just communicated and told him how they felt then he would be able to release the pain and continue on this journey. today, on the way to work i told him we just needed to smile all day, and not let anything break the smile. it was a challenge, yet we both succeeded, and hopefully this positivity will continue till we are both back to our normal everyday happiness. from this moment on, i will not allow negativity to effect me, i only have one month left here with my brother & i want it to be nothing but positivity and enlightenment.

desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann, 1920

judgmental people

judgmental, judgemental [dʒʌdʒˈmɛnt^əl]

adj

of or denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people's conduct are made.

i have lived in jackson, mississippi since january 2009. i moved here for many reasons: i had to get out of california. my life was complete disaster. i broke up with my first love (which i am finally ok with), my father being very abusive put me through hell, and california itself was a mess-no money, no jobs, universities were closing the admissions process. i also felt that my mother and i were going through a rough patch as well-which truly needed healing because she is a person that i feel is non-judgmental. somebody that i can tell anything too, and i would not feel ashamed. moving to mississippi fixed most things instantly, my mother and i worked out our differences, my brother and i are closer than ever, i have been able to save money and travel. my emotional health is back on track. i have been able to focus more on me and the things important to me, like my meditation, my art, my health, and traveling.

unfortunately, with all the positive there are a few negatives.

i have not met one single person here that is on the same consciousness level as me, not one single person that understands me, or accepts who i am completely. i feel that everyday i have to take on the world with fists up. i do my best most days to stay positive and on top of the game. i find that if i stay positive its much easier to face each new day. i am truly happy to be alive and once again get the opportunity to do all the things i am doing in life. i went to mexico this past summer, and for the first time in many months finally felt like people understood me and i did not even have to say a word. we were all on the same wave length. people did not question my beliefs but were more fascinated and interested, as i were to them. i find that most of the people here in mississippi are extreme hypocrites. they preach about being christian, and loving the bible, yet everyday they are judging me for my differences and most are cruel about it. most make me feel like i am a piece of shit and worthless just because i am not a christian. they know nothing about who i am. i have found that the few people i have met here that i have accepted into my life are just as judgmental. i make a mistake and i am punished. this is who i am, and i am not going to change for anyone. yes, i am growing and learning from my mistakes, but that is up to me to judge myself--not you. i create my destiny, you do not. i am going to continue to be happy, but i am looking forward to getting out of this place very soon and being in a place where judging others is not an option. i will find like-minded people on my journey through europe, & this adventure that i am on (life) will be a beautiful beautiful thing. im ready for it all.

extra long week/weekend

its only thursday--

this week has felt like a month. monday literally feels like weeks ago, why is time moving so slow? is it because i am eager to go on my trip? i need to remember that i only have 8 weeks remaining in mississippi--with my mom and brother for a long, long (possibly permanent) adventure through europe, asia, to australia (where i will be starting grad school in february 2011). i need to remember to live in the moment-enjoy my time now, because the next thing i know i will be on my plane to madrid, and i dont want to regret not spending more time with my family. i still have much to do in preparation for my trip-need to buy a backpack, some travel undies, a hula-hoop, i need to apply for visas, and email all the people i will be staying with-and create an itinerary for the first month in europe. i also need to finish fixing up my car, and then sell it. lots to do, and not very much time, unless time continues to move this slowly. well, i have lots of plans for the upcoming weekend--tonight i got cut at work, but have to go back for a meeting/menu test at ten. then i work morning till noon tomorrow at drip, then 6-close at mellow, and then gotta meet up in fondren to make some street art. saturday: celtic fest, work, hal & mals, sunday--sleep sleep sleep & make some art. now that i am looking at my upcoming weekend, i am pretty excited. sounds like a fun, chill goodtime. cant wait. life is brillant--so happy to be alive & part of it all.

namaste.

you are what you eat

to some people i have a very complicated, odd diet. i find what i eat to be very simple, cause it is exactly that-- no animal products (except for honey), no gluten, and mostly all raw and organic. i avoid foods that are packaged or have any preservatives or ingredients that are foreign. Basically, i eat the way we are suppose to eat. Lots of fresh produce, without all the processing that is done here in the states. i do not consume any pharmaceutical drugs/antibodies. i dont believe in vaccines. our bodies are quite powerful and can adapt to most things. i care about what goes in my body and i appreciate all it has done for me-- i have perfect vision, perfect hearing and smell. i can walk, run, swim, talk, shout, & sing! my body even has the power to create another human being! its pretty miraculous. my body is so good to me--so i want to return the favor by being good to it. giving it alllll the good things in life. my body thanks me with good health & happy, positive vibrations from my toes to my skull.

looking back

its really weird to look back & re-read some of the blog entries i had back in late 2009/early 2010. i went through a very strange time in my life. i had no idea what to do next. i was struggling to let go of my first love--i never thought it would be so difficult. it took me well over a year to move on, and let go. i spent many months meditating and detaching-and learning how to love myself. treating myself to all the good things-like fresh organic meals, traveling, and exercising everyday. i began focusing on me instead of dwelling on the future and whether i would be alone forever or not. i wont be alone, ever because i love myself. i love all of which i am. i feel healthy & my consciousness has made a GREAT shift in the past 6 months-i feel that i can do anything and nothing is going to stop me (except myself, if i choose to). i am so happy, so very very happy. actually, this is the happiest that i have been in years and years. somedays i have moments (sometimes as short as 10 seconds) when i just smile & inhale in the beauty of the day, each moment passing is such a miracle. and i am so happy to be alive and part of all of it.

its been a while.. but i think im ready to start blogging again.

hello blogworld.

i have decided to start blogging again.

i always enjoy reading all my friends/family updates,

so i figured maybe someone will enjoy mine,

& if not, i will enjoy it all to myself. =)

i leave for my trip in 8 weeks, 6 days.

eeeeek!

i will keep you updated weekly on my progress preparing for the trip

& while i am on my journey. cant wait!

ciao