week one.

I have completed week one of my meditation course. I am beyond thankful that the Universe led me to this place near Lake Atitlan. I desperately needed this time for myself. It began at the most perfect time. Meditation has not been easy for me recently. I realized that I am constantly living in the future, something that is not even real yet, rather than reality in the present moment. I am a daydreamer, living in a fantasy world. Last night, during meditation, I was presented with the oracle card that read ‘rare soul’. I spent the evening in contemplation and in my dreams I asked to be shown the meaning, yet I am still unsure what the Spirit wanted to tell me with this card. Only through patience, meditation and dreaming will the answer be revealed to me. I must be willing to listen and clear my mind for the answer to be shown.

This week I learned a lot about life and the search that I am on. I have realized that I am not entirely honest with myself most of the time. But I also am having difficulties bringing forward these truths in myself. I have pushed them so far down that even in myself I cannot bring them up without a lot of perseverance and effort.  But slowly, they are coming to the surface—and are not easy to face. But one by one I will accept and embrace what I need to know about myself in order to reach a higher state of awareness. I am a very shy, timid person—but this is caused only from my insecurities. Yet, they are completely unnecessary insecurities that have been stored in my subconscious mind. I fear not being loved, as do most—since isn’t that the purpose of life—LOVE? I say and do things sometimes that are not my truths just to gain acceptance from others. Yet, if others are unable to truly love me for me, then that is a problem within them and not mine. I love all just the way they are without any judgment. For instance, I do simple acts like shaving my legs because I want acceptance, yet I do not enjoy shaving, nor do I find it necessary. It’s for others, not for myself. This is one truth that has bothered me for a while now. My voice is not always followed by my actions—and when I do this I create an unbalance in my chakras therefore causing blocks and creating illness in my physical body. I do these things simple to gain love from others. I am learning though that I do not need acceptance from others—it is only within that I need this. I am happy with my body, I am healthy and strong, yet sometimes I feel ashamed of my size—but why I have to ask myself? For similar reasons stated above—acceptance from others. By the time I leave the meditation center at the next full moon I want to continue to surface and become more aware of these simple truths that I hide from others and embrace every true aspect of myself and break the conditioned mind that I have at the moment.

Once I am able to transform these beliefs, then I will be able to achieve a deeper meditation practice filled solely with love. I want to understand my oracle card presented to me last night. I want to continue on my path that I left off at in my last life and grow closer to the Light. I desire to release this duality life that I am currently living and become one with all- baba nam kevalam.