suicide: phasing out

I believe we have all made the cognizant and deliberate decision to come to Earth for various reasons: some may want to learn, experience, appreciate, understand and empathize; some for karmic reasons, and others are here as Light workers, guides and healers. We are all here for a reason; some may know their purpose, while others search their entire lives for reason. Conversely, I believe that we can leave here at any time we would like as well. Some leave via ‘accidents,’ others leave at ‘old’ age, and others deliberately phase out (commit suicide).

Over the past week I have considering death. I believe a gateway has opened up, an exit way for me to leave if I choose to.  It has been forceful to say the least, as if death is yearning for me. I have been trying to comprehend it, but cannot wrap my head around it. I am not a depressed person; I am not even an unhappy person. I am quite content and enjoying life. Yet, why do I have such a strong desire to leave? I have been dreaming of ‘going home’ every night. I have woken up every morning with different options of how I should do this—how I should leave without emotionally hurting anyone (or maybe it is their lesson to let go of my physical being).

I know why I am here on Earth, I know I am a Light worker—this is my purpose. And, I have been doing this all my life, since birth. I know my life till this exact moment has been very meaningful and purposeful, yet recently I have been feeling like I no longer enjoy these human emotions—I am exhausted watching human beings hurt one another, I am exhausted by hate, greed and selfishness. I am trying so hard to keep shining my light, but the negativity is suffocating me. Maybe I should just leave now while I am ahead, maybe my purpose is expired. I want to go home. Or is there more? Shall I stay a bit longer and find out? Or am I just being selfish and taking the easy way out?

Future Endeavors

I try not to ponder about it too much because the truth is, it hurts—my head spins around and around and back around again attempting to figure out where this dream situate is that I belong. Yet, I am dog-tired searching for it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love traveling, meeting new people, eating new foods and learning new cultures. But I also love building a network (community), growing a garden and spending time with family and friends.  Deep in my heart I do know where it is that I belong, and it is not here in Mississippi, nor is it in California. It is most likely not even in the United States.

When in the United States, I do as the citizens: I wake up at the crack of dawn, drive my gas-guzzlin, anxiety-benevolent car to work, spend half my day at work where I overdose on caffeine and have a face not-so-happy people, then get off with enough time to eat and sleep, and do it all over again the next day. Hmph..

Although the above paragraph sounded slightly depressing, I manage to stay quite happy throughout my day, knowing that the Universe does everything for a reason, so I AM in the right place at the right time. Maybe my kindness will change someone else’s day, maybe their kindness will do the same for mine. Perhaps, maybe, possibly… there are numerous reasons why I am in Mississippi at this present moment, and only in the future will more of those reasons be exposed.

Nevertheless, I am ready to be more alive. I am ready to do what it is I was born to do. I want to live in a place where I am not woken up by an alarm clock, but by the warm rising sun. I don’t want to live life rushed. I want to embrace every moment, moment by moment. I want step out of my living space and into the sand, I want to be surrounded by ocean. I want swimming in the sea to be my daily bath, and breakfast to be fleshly picked off the trees and vines. I don’t want a lock on my front door, or have a car parked in the drive way, I want my evenings to be lit by the moon and candle light… I don’t want to have a bank account, a mobile phone or anything of the equivalent.

With that being said, I do want to work though. I want to have a purpose and reason for each day. I want to go out into the world and radiate my Light. Being on Earth means interacting with other humans, being a humanitarian is my call. There are various occupation choices I could take, yet I will not know what that is until I am there. There being a place where hammocks are tied off on every other tree, coconuts and papayas grow in abundance, the sun is always shining and where there never is that of a ‘bad’ day.

I want out of the system and off the grid.             That is what 2013 is about.